Coke Talk*

Becoming One of the ‘Relevant’
by Christian Lorentzen

On a recent Friday night, Bebe Zeva, a teenage fashion blogger, journalist and model based in Las Vegas, was dining at the restaurant Lodge in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, with a group of 20-something contributors to the online magazine Thought Catalog.

“I like to concentrate on the cuteness of what I’m eating,” Ms. Zeva said. She had switched from coconut and almond vegan ice cream to a skirt steak. In a black minidress, black stockings, a sheer black and navy metallic robe and a floppy black hat, with dozens of long silver and gold chains slung from her neck, she looked like a brunette Stevie Nicks in miniature…

Wow. Just, wow.

Listen, Bebe. You seem like a lovely little girl, but one day in the distant future, you will become a grown-ass woman. Based on what I’m reading here, it will probably take a solid decade, but still, it will eventually happen.

On that day, you will flash back to your teenage years, a chill will run up your spine, and your cheeks will blush with embarrassment as you recall this very article written about you in the New York Times.

You will suddenly realize that the writer — and everyone who read it — was making fun of you. It was subtle and quite brilliant, but Christian Lorentzen painted a brutal and hilarious portrait of you with all the subversive skill of Francisco Goya.

Just to be clear, you deserved it.

Sure, most teenagers are superficial, fame enamored assholes, but darling, you took it to the next level with such vapid magnificence that a part of me begrudgingly respects your level of commitment. It’s as if you’re a parody of yourself.

I hope in your eventual womanhood you come to terms with the personal branding efforts of your youth. You are not “fated to be hated,” my dear. You’re merely fated to be ridiculed for your own self-seriousness.